I broke up with my girlfriend, and after a few tearful weeks of coping and transition did the next logical thing: place a personal ad in the local weekly.

 
Sure, I mean, hey, of course I can get a date on my own. It’s Tokyo, for God’s sake. Any upright-walking caucasian with vocal chords and a pulse can get a date in this city. For me it was purely, y’know, experimental. I set out to discover a.) what kind of women respond to the ads in Metropolis, and, moreover, b.) what kind of ads they respond to.

 
So I placed two ads. I used the well-known Charisma Man character (an English-teaching everyman who imagines himself as tall, strapping and sexy, but who is actually just an Average Guy) as the underlying metaphor for my little experiment. That said, my average guy personal ad read:

Average guy, 30s, average looks, height and income, not particularly smart or creative, decent body, good teeth, seeks beautiful, intelligent, fun Japanese woman with own career and dreams, and a great body. Serious only.

Safe, harmless, average. And good teeth. I wasn’t sure what to expect from this ad. The Charisma Man ad, however, was sure to get results. I tried to capture the perfect blend of Big-in-Tokyo expat arrogance and self-adulation typical of European models and financial consultants.

Special guy, mid-30s, tall, brown hair, blue eyes, model looks, hard body, intelligent, creative, sexy, successful, bilingual, seeks an amazing Japanese woman for good times and exploring Tokyo.

The magazine hit shelves and bar floors sometime Friday, and the responses started rolling in that evening. Can you guess how it went? Neither could I! Here are the results, posted as-is with the names removed:

 

 

Dear Mr. Average:

 

Hi,

I saw you ad, I’m 30s, Japanese (background is US), have own business,
independent, have good body (I think), well-educated…
I think you are not average…this is my feeling.
Yeah ! Good teeth is most important. I care about teeth !
If you interested in, please write me back.
Thanks.

 
Hi ,

What do you do in Japan?

I am OOO and I am a translator and an interpreter.
I’ve studied in US University and I like music and travel.

Look forward to hear from you!

 
 

Dear Mr. Special:

 

Hi,

I saw your ad in the TC. Have you found a special friend yet? Assuming not
the case, if you make time to meet me in Tokyo in the very near future I
would be very happy . . .

I am late 30’s, slender, medium height and considered to be quite okay
looks. And if I say so myself, I’m relatively a hit with the men, I think
:).

If you are interested in me please drop me a line soon.

 
 

hi, I just found your ad through the magazine , my name is OOO I’m 26 years old japanese female living in kanagawa but sometime go to tokyo, I’m a piano teacher and sometime I look for the person who could have mental& physical fun together if you like feel free to email me
hope to hear from you soon

 
 

How do you do?
I’m OOO, SJW, 40s.
Would you like to find how amazing I am?
Don’t you want to go to Disney Sea? We might need to be in line almost all day day, but I promise I will entertain you.

 
 

Hello! how are you? i’m 24,nice,sexy japanese girl.i am cheerful,kind,romantic,sociable and energetic.i would love to become friends with you.lookforward to hear from you! take care!

 
 

Hi!

I answer your Ad in metoropolis.
I am 39 , charming ,erotic in my private.
I will get you up to the higher in the sensual.
Please meet me some day.
looking forward to reply.

 
 

Hello! How do you do?

I saw your ad in Metropolis and thought maybe I should try it because you
seem like a man whom I’m really looking for…

Let me introduce myself.
My name is OOO.
I’m a 3rd generation Korean Japanese, who was born and brought up in Japan.
I’ve been in Japan all my life except one year’s study in Seoul when I was
a college student.
I speak Japanese, Korean and English.
..I think I have both countries’ beauty and sweetness inside of me :)

I’m working for an American pharmaceutical company in OOO.
About my personality, I’m open-minded and peaceful, love nature, arts,
food, travel, having good times with friends…

Now I’m seriously seeking my long-term partner (hopefully a life-time
partner) and want to share the beauty and experience in life with him.
So, please let me know more about you…
I’m waiting for your mail :)

 
 

Hi..

I saw your advertisement in Metropolis..
I am a Chinese girl, 22, tall and pretty.. love sex and enjoy very much sex
dates..
I am sorry if it sounds commercial, but I need to get financial support for
my life here at the same time.. So my dates are compensated from
20000yen(for a strictly limited 2 hour date), to 30000-50000yen(for a longer
date).
If you are still interested, please let me know..
I Look forward to hearing from you.. and sorry if this mail bothers you..

 

 

I can only conclude, based on these carefully documented findings, that over-confident and vain is definitely the way to go. Especially if you don’t mind paying for sex.

 

But the research goes on! Look for photos and other, er, results in the next update…